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In the era of social-distancing, words have become one of our best replacements for physical intimacy. That's especially true when it comes to dirty talk, whether it's done over the phone, sexting, or video chat. Dirty talk during lockdown isn't just for established couples who are suddenly long-distance because they can't quarantine at home together, though.
It's also an ideal step for those developing virtual relationships during the pandemic. But dirty talk helps us recognize that, actually, communication is a huge part of great sex — and a sexy part of figuring each other out too," says Vanessa Marina psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy.
Right now, even couples that are sheltering in place together can also benefit from exploring or investing more into dirty talk, too. Everyone's reacting to the stress of the pandemic differently, some with an explosion of horniness and others with less interest than ever in getting physical.
Dirty talk can help partners get on the same by opening each other up to all kinds of discussions around desire. It could even help bridge that libido gap, Horn says.
Low-libido partners can try talking dirty to their high-libido partners while they get themselves off, taking away any pressure for the low-libido partner to get physical while still helping the high-libido partner get the intimacy and relief they need to cope. Whatever your relationship status during the pandemic, the right approach to dirty talk can develop and deepen your erotic connection with a partner from a safe distance.
First and foremost, try to get all your preconceived notions about dirty talk — how it's "supposed" to sound or what you're "supposed" to say — out of your head. Your biggest overall obstacle is simply getting out of your own head about it.
It's one of the more universal sexual acts. I very rarely hear of people saying, you know, 'I hate it. There's the version that's like using language like a sex toy, to accentuate what you're already doing," says Horn. The vibe of your dirty talk can change to not only fit your specific personality, but also your mood. Like if you're separated right now, get into, 'Here's what I want to do the second we're reunited again. Desire exists on a spectrum. All varieties can find their voice through dirty talk, whether you tend toward the kinky and X-rated or more vanilla and tender.
Actually a great place for all beginners to start especially if you're shy is to simply get more comfortable with platonic sexual communication, Horn says.
Start talking more openly about your sex life with receptive friends. There's no need to get graphic or anything. Just being more comfortable expressing your sexuality through language is a big step. Also, dirty talk is not exclusive to couples. It's flat out recommended that initial explorations into dirty talk start as a solo activity, whether it's practicing getting vocal or just exploring linguistic genres of erotica while masturbating. There's a whole world of naughty language out there to immerse yourself in for inspiration to help figure out what you like or don't like.
Start by getting more analytical about whatever sexy media you prefer, particularly written erotica Horn recommends any anthologies edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, while Marin suggests Literotica or Refinery29's weekly erotica roundupaudio erotica I actually discovered Horn through her wonderful How To Dirty Talk guide on my favorite audio erotica platform, Dipsearegular porn, or even sexy films and TV shows.
Pay attention and maybe even journal which words, phrases, dynamics, and scenes resonate with you. Describe as vividly as you can what's going on in your own words, zeroing in on exactly what is getting you off. Marin suggests trying to read either already written erotica or what you wrote down out loud to yourself in the mirror.
It's a great exercise in getting comfortable with the vulnerability of vocalizing your desires from the comfort of your own company. Now that you've expanded your knowledge of erotic language, it's time to get more personal and put yourself in the situation. The exercise above has already given you a base for creating your very own dirty talk word bank. A word bank is a list of your preferred naughty verbiage, whether words or phrases, that you can pull from to take the pressure off figuring it out in the heat of the moment. Break it down into nouns, verbs, adjectives, and whatever else you find yourself gravitating towards.
Do they tend to be more gentle, or rough? If you're having a tough time thinking of anything, use pre-written examples and lists as jumping-off points. Anatomy is particularly personal, whether your preference is pussy, vulva, penis, cock, dick, or perhaps more euphemistic like "down there" or "inside me.
Again, taking note of what's off-limits is as important as writing down what you like. Aside from the nitty-gritty stuff, though, there are also tons of secondary sexual characteristics for you to explore. What parts of your body feel maybe unexpectedly erotically charged for you?
Maybe you love when a partner pays attention to your hair whether up top or down underthighs, wrists, collar bone, feet, ears, neck, forehead, cheek, or chin. A good way to think about it all is through the lens of a compliment: What kind of compliments make you feel the best when you hear it from a partner?
What are they pointing out, and what kind of descriptors hot, sexy, pretty, handsome, delicious, little, tight, big, etc. OK, that was a lot of prep and, depending on your comfort level, you may not need all of it before getting to this step. But once you've done some of the above exercises on your own, it's time to do it with a partner.
Keep in mind, though, that your partner may very well want to do that solo work and develop their own word bank. Once everyone's got their feet wet, bring your explorations together through sexting Marin even suggests for those worried about the time-pressure of textingpillow talk, or foreplay either IRL, virtual, or over the phone depending on your comfort level or situation. If you have an established sexual relationship, getting more vocal with moans during regular, non-dirty talk sex is also a great way to start finding your voice in bed together.
Are you naturally inclined toward lower, husky intonations, or high-pitched sighs and whimpers? Don't be afraid to take it slow when it comes to dirty talk that's in real-time. There's a variety of transitions into it that help ease you both in.
Read a piece of erotica you really enjoyed out loud together, discussing what specifically gets you off and whether your partner likes it too. Or rehash old memories of the best sexual experiences you've had IRL, whether with your current partner or a one though of course be conscientious of omitting details that could spark jealousy.
Play "what if" games about what you wish you could do to each other or what you will do when you can touch again — maybe even start getting more into the fantasy realm of things though we'll get into that more advanced stuff later. Pay attention to the words and phrases your partner is using and adopt them if you're comfortable. You can share each other's word banks or just incorporate what's affirming versus what's off-limits into natural conversation. If your partner is using words or phrases that don't work for you, be gentle in how you let them know.
Never "yuck someone's yum. Also, Horn says, "Don't be afraid to be super literal in your dirty talk, especially when you're getting over the initial hump so to speak of the social anxiety, figuring each other out, freezing up. You don't need to have any sort of elaborate plots with arcs, characters, or even much of any scene-setting. Even the basics are more than enough to get you and your partner revved up.
Say you've already mastered those basics: Well, lucky for you, there's lo of fun ways to amp up the linguistic heat. When it comes to advanced dirty talk, Horn suggests that you, "really see yourself as a storyteller, a creative person exercising a skill.
Like all skills, it takes practice and requires immersing yourself further in the world of erotic storytelling. That means not only engaging with the more structured narratives of written, visual, or audio erotica, but also borrowing ideas and language from the more improvised erotic narratives of roleplaying from the kink community. Horn suggests starting with discovering your own personal sexual persona or personas. In the kink community, there's a laundry list of labels and even tests you can take to get an idea of common archetypes, power dynamics, and fantasies you might want to play around with through dirty talk.
Now, we're not saying you need to dive headfirst into BDSM. And honestly, these labels can feel reductive and cheesy sometimes. But the kink community has done a fantastic job of building a helpful sandbox for playing with storytelling through sex that's super useful groundwork for dirty talk.
Your sexual persona might not be a version of yourself you've ever tapped into before and can change depending on your partner, situation, or mood. These personas or fantasies also may very well be things you would never want to try out in real life. A lot of the times, you might find yourself enjoying being called things by your lover that you wouldn't like in any other context. This is true across the board with dirty talk. But it's especially true when you're establishing this more advanced style by adding layers of identity, specificity, and storytelling.
On a day-to-day basis, for example, no woman wants to be called a slut, bitch, little girl, or slave. But in the context of the bedroom, words that would otherwise feel infantilizing or degrading can feel gender-affirming or deliciously forbidden. Likewise, it'd be pretty weird to call anyone your master, mistress, or goddess outside the bedroom. But in the bedroom, it can imbue you or your partner with a sense of power and confidence that's just plain hot.
The important thing is to not judge or shame yourself or your partner for whatever that sexy persona or fantasy looks like, whether it's being dressed in Princess Leia's gold bikini, a tuxedo, nothing but stilettos, or a dog collar.
Though, of course, always be conscientious about establishing enthusiastic consent and doing boundary check-ins throughout any roleplaying dirty talk. Always remember that it's both party's right to respectfully say no at any time. Once you get a sense of that persona, Horn suggests, close your eyes and envision yourself in the sexiest iteration of that persona. What are you wearing? What is your partner wearing? Next, add actions to your personas. What position are you both in? Where are you?
What are you doing to your partner, or what are they doing to you? What kind of power dynamic do all of these convey? Maybe none of that floats your boat. Maybe you're more interested in linguistically exploring taboos centered around specific situations, like threesomes, public play, or voyeurism. Well, Horn says, the pandemic is a perfect breeding ground to talk out those fantasies, since it's a way to embrace all the things that are now forbidden or dangerous. With words, you can get off on the taboo of having sex with a stranger or in a park or on the beach in the midst of an outbreak — all while never endangering public health.
There's no denying that the pandemic is creating all sorts of new obstacles for sex and intimacy. Reframing those as opportunities to experiment with things you otherwise would never bother with can be a stimulating way to cope.
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Your guide to dirty talk while social distancing